She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
