that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
