I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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