Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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