Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
