Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
How many fucks given?
0.12846
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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