I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
