hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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