Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
