Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
