I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
