I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
