i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
