I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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