Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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