Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
