I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
