You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
