He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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