Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
