She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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