I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If I die, sorry about rent.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
