I can text with my tongue
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
