mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
