Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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