I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
