yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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