Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
