u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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