I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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