If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
