Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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