Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
