I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
