Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
