you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
