Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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