Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you had me at cake vodka
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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