I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
