I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize