yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
