Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
