you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
