i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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