I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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