I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Randomize
