your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You can't motorboat a personality
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
