my phone needs a breathalizer
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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