About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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