Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
