we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
the liver wants what the liver wants
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
