I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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