I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
