my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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