Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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