I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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