Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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