this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
