The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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