she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
