another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
