Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
