last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
