I faked an abortion last night.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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