A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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