I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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