The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
